So I have brought my attentions to the idea of men and dating over the last couple of weeks... I have always been one to follow the road less traveled and truly fly solo over having allowed myself to venture out and become engulfed in the idea of getting involved in the lives of other individuals who might interfere with my life of solitude. I have found it to be the only option I really have without compromising the actual truth behind myself. It is truly a more simplistic way of life, far less complex by far. I don’t deliberately go out of my way to sabotage the potential relationships that come my way, however, I don’t go out of my way to feel an array of emotions that I don’t have, which I must say is a lot easier than one might assume. I have not come to be a loving person in that area, open affection is not my forte. I don’t find it one of my humanistic desires to bond with every eligible bachelor that comes my way, regardless of that individual’s ability to live a successful life. Is it so hard to believe that perhaps, I am not the one who is being closed minded, but actually listening to that voice anyhow? The very one who helps us to differentiate between right and wrong, or even something a little more on the simple side such as hot and cold? I don’t have an agenda with the men in my life, I only hope that I can see them for what they are and distinguish whether or not I truly enjoy them. Suffice to say it is in fact a two way street in these situations, some men I find myself enjoying only to realize that I wasn’t in fact, good enough for them. Those men must too, enjoy you enough to care enough. I have a strong belief in the human species ability to distinguish ones feelings based off of the animal response in us all. That rise in your pulse that sends this feeling that is close to the euphoric feelings that drugs send pulsating throughout bodies, hearts, and even souls. However another humanistic trait that I have come to realize has been that of jealousy or disappointment. There have been the occasional male that I have denied my attentions that I have found myself grieving over once they have come to enjoy the attention of another man. Something so low as sexual activity that I would never partake in gets at me with this strange level or heart break and jealousy that might be linked with me feeling envious. Perhaps the reality of these situations is that I refrain from these said acts of promiscuity or flirtation based on my pride, and only become discontented by these said events because I have decided not to partake, and those who did had no real judgment passed. Or what if perhaps I had allowed myself to partake, instead of dismissing these men based on the advance, would I have then seen a side of them that I enjoyed? Could that perhaps mean that I am only concerned with something other than pride, but perhaps something relating to my own avoidance of judgment by others? We all, every individual has some level of complexities that shadow us in our every situation. Perhaps the key to this troublesome train of thought, is to hold on to the choices you’ve made to stay strong and respectable to not only others, but ultimately yourself? Who makes these values matter more anyhow? Is it you, or the people surrounding you? I can only hope that the answer to that question is our own perception of us as individuals. I will admit though, that even when I have made all of my past mistakes, I was able to leave some of those sorrows behind and move forward. So maybe it isn’t always so bad, to be bad?
Lately I have found myself making an effort to open up and have some assortment of feelings towards my fellow homosexuals. I have even allowed myself to go so far as to make a decent little group of homosexual friends that I will meet up with and spend my time with. Sending out random messages as a friend seeking the company of these men to hang out and socialize within the night life. Yet, I have also been meeting up with a few of them in hopes of meeting someone that is by my definition something. Nothing amazing or extraordinary. Don’t need a god; I just need someone I can care about at all.
So, moving forward, I have encountered 5 different men via the internet and further on to real person situations. Physically, only 2 of them have really done anything, granted I can honestly say that isn’t a priority, but it is nice. The others were nothing to get “wood” over, but they were handsome, hands down. Keep in mind, my vote is always on handsome… there is just something grand about a man you can look at and feel like you are staring at an actual man. May I remind you also, that this is not a trait that I have been able to enjoy too often in the homosexual dating scene. Out of the 5, I went on to and kissed open mouthed, 3 or those, the other 2 weren’t that in depth.
The kissers, I will elaborate on at this point. One of these men being a black man who I can’t honestly rate, because I don't feel that the cuddling position is the best one for intimate kissing. He had an amazing masculine smell though. His scent was enough to slow my heart and make me feel a level of calm I have not felt in many years, 2 to 3 to be exact. Keep in mind please, those 2-3 yrs. is a long time for an individual such as me who is only 25. The scale of years has greater or lesser value depending on the individual and in some cases the said individual’s age. Please don’t take it upon yourself to ramble on about how being 60 makes 3 years equal to nothing, unless you are honestly just sharing a mutual story or perhaps trying to relate. Anyhow, we did get a little naked, but I wasn’t feeling it since it has been over 2 yrs. since my last sexual endeavor. I got naked, he got naked, we did some touching, and that was all. No sexual activity by any definition. Honestly I was just truly happy to be able to lie across his chest and enjoy the sound of his heart beating on my very own bed, another thing I never got to enjoy, laying in my own bed with no concern for the people outside the door. Even his incredibly loud snores were terrible and obnoxious. I honestly loved the sound of them. The other make out session was with a Hispanic gentleman who was somewhat simple, yet still handsome in his appearance. He didn’t have stunning eyes or anything like that. However, he did have broad shoulders, good bone structure, a dorky type of mannerisms, as well as a very simplistic style of dress. I was out of his league, depending on who you ask I guess, but that made no difference to me. He wasn’t much of a talker at all. Even now the most I know about him is; terrible last relationship, attempting nursing, and well frankly... that’s about it. I will say that I believe he might have been interested in having sex with me with his advances throughout the night and his having attempted to bring me home with him. As for the 3rd and finale make out session, well that one was just horrible. He was a well-dressed and well-mannered Hispanic, who had come to find out had too much to drink. There is something about a slow make out session that involves long and slow kissing and sucking of the lips that just were not any good for me. Hell, I didn’t even want to do it. The only one I wanted to kiss was the black man, and he was the first one out of all 5 of these guys that I encountered, and those moments were ruined by bad angles. This guy though, seemed to have some kind of lip treatment on, even though he wasn’t the femme type whatsoever. It was all over my mouth, nose, and chin {including the chin hair}. He was shorter than I so he was having a really hard time getting his footing in my truck to push himself into me, with his arms locked around me as if we were in some romantic embrace. FUCKING HORID. Needless to say I won’t be going out of my way to keep in touch with this individual.
The other two, both being medical students are a different variety of interesting I suppose. The first on a encountered was a very attractive Hispanic who insisted I come over to his place to play video games. Granted this was really very intriguing to me simply because he was at least somewhat original. The general encounter was occupied by relatively decent conversation about a variety of reality television shows I barely watch as I find those shows to be an example of how the morals of America are crumbling on the screens in front of us, as well as sharing our life goals and ambitions. He went so far as to remark on my eyes being attractive, as well as, for some reason my arms and the hair on them being sexy. Have you the hair on my arms is light blonde and moderate. I allowed myself to take it in stride, and we also went on to rub our hands up and down the backs of one another’s necks to feel the hair growing. He remarked on how soft my hair way and that was about it. He made what I would assume to be some ill thought out complements, and I just thanked him for his attempts. Honestly I was very much attracted to him but wasn’t going to invest any of my life in pursuing him, or so I thought. As for the other male encounter, he was just a bore from the start. All it took was me flashing a few smiles and the pleasantly plump little medical student was hooked. Only one day after having met him out in a public place he was attempting to ask me out on a date. I hate to break it to the masses, but just being a medical student doesn’t give your some increased amount of points on whatever point systems some of you might be going by. I could not give any less of a damn about medical student status, so long as you’re not lacking some legitimate level of ambition I am able to deal. So, yea, I denied to idea of allowing him to take me on a dinner date if it wasn’t strictly as friends. I haven’t heard much from him since.
So in it all, I will still continue to look for mister right in hopes of finding that one or perhaps two that will provide me with some level of satisfaction. I don’t need a success story, but I would like to think I deserve something more than yesterday’s rejects to society. Until the next time I decide to go on a rant, good night, good morning, and good whatever.
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