Here I am again, faced with the dating scene dilemma again. I’ve recently made a friend, who performs as a drag queen at a local bar where I live. This individual is very charming, and makes me laugh constantly. Throughout the course of our new friendship this person has always dropped the occasional statement filled with sexual or even relationship implications. Being that the entire relationship has been pretty humorous in nature I have never considered the passes to be that, passes. I’ve always played along and assumed they were just friendly jokes I suppose. Tonight however, I was faced with the actual truth behind these passes. My new drag queen friend made the statement that I was “Making it very hard to have a crush on”. Being that I was completely oblivious to the true feelings of this said individual I was truly taken off guard. Please keep in mind, when this person is not in drag, they really aren’t bad looking. They have not had cosmetic surgery, they still have all of their boy parts, and they have no desire to be a female. The female clothing is strictly for entertainment purposes, and they have a legitimate job with a very successful corporation that designs luxury apartment complexes. I have to be completely honest though, the idea of dating a drag queen isn’t really something that peaks my interest. I’ve got a preference for men, who are rough around the edges and actually masculine. This friend, isn’t masculine. They are in fact very well groomed, with a petite and tall physique. I am not even remotely interested in them on a sexual or emotional level. I am strictly interested in friendship and nothing more. Anyhow, tonight was the night that everything was put out in the open and I had to do something that I hate having to do. Something I do more often than I feel other people have to. I had to tell them that I was not interested, nor would I become interested. Mind you this conversation took place over the phone because we were hanging out at a bar that had closed, and I wasn’t going to continue the conversation at the place of residence for myself or this individual. When I spoke my thoughts of having been completely oblivious to the fact that these implications were sincere, I felt as if I was doing something terrible. I hate feeling like I am hurting someone. I truly enjoy knowing them, and I want to continue the friendship, as I also told them. Throughout the talk they just listened and didn’t have much of anything to say back. They did ask me why it was I didn’t date though. How was I going to answer that though? I don’t even know the answer. The only truth I could muster up was, I had not yet encountered any men that peaked my interest in a way that I would consider dating, or cuddling with. That was the best I could do. Now, here I sit at home at this ungodly hour feeling like an asshole. It never fails though; I always attract the attentions of people I am not interested in. Like I have said before, it isn’t hard for me to get attention from the guys around me but for the ones I want the attention from to acknowledge me, I’m fucked. These guys are attractive, they are good people, but my heart and mind just isn’t interested. So what next? Will the one I want come along eventually? Or am I pushing all of my opportunities away because I have become so closed off? I can only hope that life wouldn’t be so lonely for me in the future. I can only hope that I can find love, while I am still young. I want young love. I don’t want to wait around until I am middle aged.
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